| − | '''Jonas:''' (''sighs'') So... Bree's been here for thirty-three days now and (''pauses and shakes penis'') she hasn't left the bathroom once (that's a big crap.) I think the fact that, you know, your mom didn't come with her is what's really making her like mud slinging girls. (''Jonas sighs'') I go by her room every couple seconds, I knock on the door, leave a tray of sasquatch dung...but (''shakes head'') she's barely washed anything. I have a plan though, 'cause I know she likes chocolate chip brussel sprouts, right? So, I went to this bakery. Then I got into some random conversation ...blah, blah, blah... she needed a life change, I don't care about that crap. Anyway. The cookies are totally off the heezy! and uh... (''laughs at his dumb-age'') she ate those right up. And uh, it's weird, it's just like she's put herself in some kind of cardboard box, you know like prison-sex. w00t w00t! Yeah... (''laughs to himself'') It would be kind of sexy though if she came out all ripped from doing, like, push-ups and sit-ups and hot squats like er... (''clicks fingers twice'') that secksy bitch in Terminator 2 (''winks'') you know what I mean? Yeah, I'd tap that. (''Laughs.'') Yeah. La de Dah! (''Becomes more somber.'') I'm just kidding... you know... (''scratches chin'') I'm sure she just has a lot to think about. It's just frustrating because this whole last week I'm trying to get her to sleep with me... you know and just... just when she decides to take a chance, turns out one of her oldest sex partners is a liar. (''Shakes head.'') Gemma... Gemma has AIDS... didn't see that one coming. (''cut briefly to clip of Gemma and Lucy together'') Turns out she's (''indicates point 1 with his fingers'') sleeping with members of the Order (''indicates point 2 with his fingers'') doesn't even live in London (''scratches chin'')I really am in love with Bree, she's the Bee's Knees... man I think my penis is a lot...bigger than I thought. (''singing like Madonna'') And I feel like...like I just got home...y'know, maybe I'm drowning in a well here. Well, enough about me, let's talk about you. Look, uh, Danielbeast listen man, woman, shera. I'm really bummed out, like totally radical dude! Um... that you decided not to come here have a threesome with Bree and me. I mean, I think that she really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, needs you're sweet lovin' right now. Y'know it's, look, it's not like I blame you, you know, she's just a beautiful girl and you've been a... you've been a great 'friend'... you've put your life in danger just for her stuffed animals. It's just that I think... I think I love you. You are the only person in the whole wide world who knows how to cheer her up and you love her and she loves you, but I love her too. Well, look I...I...I...tough cookie (''slaps hands a lot'') I hope you're doing well and, uh, that we never hear from you again. Oh... (''claps hands'') and as a side note I just wanna thank everyone out there who, thinks I'm hot. I'd like to thank my Mom, my Dad...for gettin' it on and bringing me into this world. I'd like to thank Bree, you secksy cookie monster lovin' bitch. And umm, Jesus Christ, Jahova Almighty! Umm. Look, I promise I--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise--I promise I will do everything I can do to help out Bree (''licks lips'') like, make more cookies. Alright... It's Peanut Butter Jelly time! Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly and a baseball bat! Just don't know if she wants the cruststicals on or the crusts off (like any of that matters.) I'll let you know. (''Laughs'') Peace bitches!
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